


Better

by Winpala



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Adult Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-08-21 18:39:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16581950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winpala/pseuds/Winpala
Summary: The twins are struggling to find a way to deal with the past and present of their relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

I.

 

Tom's eyes were resting somewhere on the small of Bill's back as he walked up the stairs behind him. When Bill stopped to take out his keys and unlock the door, he stopped as well, a few steps below his brother. There was a faint pull in his legs that kept him from walking on, almost like a sore muscle, a reminder that something was off, weird. Unnatural. He felt the corner of his mouth tightened at the thought.  
'Come in!' Bill said it more to himself than to Tom and without turning around, but leaving the door open for Tom to follow. The familiarity of the gesture should've made his heart feel a little lighter, but instead there was a sense of dread that got stronger with every step up the staircase. The hallway looked exactly like what he remembered, but now he felt like a stranger standing in a strangers home. Bill was nowhere to be seen. He felt the need to call for him, to ask him where he could put his things. A wave of nausea hit him at this feeling of foreignness, he cringed at the thought but couldn't bring himself to not say anything. 'I'm just taking my stuff to the bedroom real quick. 'There was no answer. He knew that Bill must've heard him, but not what answer he expected. Bill probably hadn't found one either.  
He walked down the corridor to what was now the guest bedroom. He felt his heart tighten at that thought, but he couldn't bring himself to think of it as his room anymore. It had been his for a brief period of time, when everything had already gone to hell, but slowly enough for them to not realise it. The room looked uninhabited, all smooth and empty surfaces. Undoubtedly, there were still some of his clothes behind the doors of the wardrobe, he recognized the bed sheets and he knew that he had left a half smoked a pack of cigarettes in the bottom drawer of his bedside table. Maybe somebody had trown them out in the meantime, he didn't check. Not knowing what to do with the situation he simply placed his backpack on the floor and left.  
He could feel his nerves tingle while he walked through the corridor again. His hand found the handle of the bathroom door and opened it. An automatism, a habit he had taken up while living in this flat and yet nothing felt like the place he had called home for many weeks. While looking at his face in the mirror, he thought that maybe he wasn't the same person anymore either. He could see his face distort in disgust at that cliche. There was a well known heat spreading in his guts: anger towards the situation, towards himself. He reached for the tap and started washing his hands with cold water. It took a few breaths before he felt confident enough to be able to speak to Bill without taking his feelings out on his twin brother and a few more before he could bring himself to finally open the door.  
'Took you long enough.' His twin brother was crouched on the living room floor with a toy bone in his hand. He surrendered it to the small dog he had been play teasing with it and got up. After walking a few steps towards him, he suddenly looked unsure and sat down on the armrest of the sofa next to him. 'Sorry, had to go to the bathroom.' He didn't know what else to add and hoped to get any sort of answer to distract from that. When he looked up, he saw only an unsure expression with unmoving lips. Bill shone as beautiful as ever in the afternoon sun that filled the room generously. Tom could feel his chest tighten at the sight of his glowing skin and the soft sparkle in his light brown eyes, even now, even though he hadn't seen real joy with them in a while. He swallowed to get rid of the feeling. It occurred to him that he should've sat down somewhere, done something, said something, but he didn't feel capable of actually moving. There was only silence and warm sun on his skin, until a loud breath and a determined bite on a dog toy suddenly made Bills head turn. It seemed to have called him back from a place deep in his mind. 'I called mama, she says that you don't answer your phone much lately.' Tom's mouth twitched again. 'You'd think they'd finally be happy.' He said it coldly but then he could feel the heat rise to his stomach again. Bill's eyes finally met Tom's. There was something in them that he wasn't ready to see, so he focused his own somewhere between the floorboards and the light, fluffy carpet instead. He could hear Bill is getting up and walking to the kitchen 'I'll make us some coffee.'  
Tom followed a few steps behind. When he entered the kichen Bill was already holding a jar in his hands. He turned around to look for Tom, who hadn't made it much further than the doorway, still unable to get closer to his brother. 'Unless you want something harder.' Tom definitely wanted something harder. 'What do you have here?' 'Gin.' Gin was Bill's kind of alcohol, Tom preferred other drinks. But this was Bill's flat now, he had no reason to keep anything but his favourites in stock. It didn't matter anyway, Tom had other reasons for drinking. 'Great' He only got a lifted eyebrow as an answer. A moment later, Bill had placed two glasses of hastily made gin tonic on the kitchen table.

 

 

 


	2. II.

II. 

He had hesitated at first and now that he sat firmly on one of the somewhat uncomfortable kitchen chairs, half turned towards the table and half turned towards Bill, who had sat down on the other side of it, he could feel his leg twitching.   
Bill seemed perfectly calm, he took a small sip of his drink and placed it down in front of him again, but he did it all without ever distorting his glance from the white wall in front of him. His features were relaxed, controlled. Not quite Bill, but as beautiful as he had ever been. Tom's chest grew tighter once more and as the pain became agonizing, he lifted his drink and downed half of it in one go.   
The situation had gotten further out of hand than he would've ever thought possible. He had thought that it would be enough to get trough the end without going insane. Turns out that it had been only the beginning and that there had been a long way down ahead. He had never expected to be able to feel what he was feeling now.  
When looking up, he saw a dark look in Bill's eyes, concern and something else. For a moment it seemed like he was about to say something, but then he just nodded slightly to himself and turned back to the wall. Tom's mouth tightened. They both knew he was drinking too much lately. There was nothing to say about it.   
'I'm glad you're here.' Bill's voice sounded more open than then stern expression in his eyes had led him to believe. Too much honesty was always painful. The surge of pain in his stomach told Tom that their threshold for it had reached a new low. Lying to each other was as easy as lying to oneself and they had become commited to it. He nodded into his glass.  
They emptied their drinks in near silence. At some point Bill took the bottle of gin and placed it on the table, he didn't bother to bring the tonic water as well. By the time his brothers glass was empty, Tom had almost drained his second. He could feel his shoulders relax a little. The pain was still there, but it became increasingly more difficult to focus on it.    
It gave him enough strength to turn to Bill. 'Do you have any plans for today?' Bill smiled. It was a bit too compliant, too sweet to really fit him. It was exactly like everything else that they had become accustomed to during those last weeks. Still, he could see something hiding behind that expression, something familiar, but his brain was too foggy to make it out on its own and Tom certainly wasn't going to push. 'We could watch something? A movie or a show...' Friendly but distanced, more in line with the way people talked to good acquaintances than friends. It felt safe enough to lead him to look up. 'Sure, we can find something fun.' Bill waited until Tom had emptied his glass before getting up. He got up as well and followed with both their glasses and the bottle. He was too fond of the soft pressure in his head to leave it behind.   
Bill had sat down on one end of the sofa, Tom just far enough from the other end for it to not be too weird. He could feel an urge him, to sit closer to hold, to pull, to touch, to tickle. Anything to get a laugh out of Bill, anything to feel like when they were kids and they would naturally sit close together on their old sofa to watch their favourite show. He had hated much of the time he had spent in that godforsaken town, with those godforsaken people. He found himself longing for it more and more often lately.   
The hand he had placed in his lap lay perfectly still. He felt that if it just as much as twitched, he would lose control and start to rip everything around him to shreds. To rip everything apart. He mourned his youth, all those years that he couldn't bear thinking about anymore. His own fault. He didn't want to remember any of the things they had said or yelled at him, but he felt the pressure on his chest nevertheless. His own fault. They had gotten into his head after all. It had taken years, but now he could feel them walk with him on every step of the way. Not answering his phone didn't change that.  
Leaning forward, he picked up his glass and filled it with clear liquid. Then he filled the other one as well and pushed it somewhere in Bill's general direction. To his surprise it was picked up.   
He fell back into the sofa cushions where he felt the intense urge to pity the boy he once was. To get mad at his mother, his father, at the man who had been so much more of a father to him than his actual dad, at David.   
He could feel Bill moving next to him and was brought back from his thoughts. This was not the place to let himself go like that. He stretched hesitantly. Moved his arm up to the headrest even though his muscles weren't quite having it. On the screen in front of him, he saw a blond man, handsome and polished, standing in front of a window, then a beautiful woman with dark waves. He didn't know what he was watching, but for some reason it felt more like a TV show than a movie.  
Bill's eyes were fixed on those two people who seemed to be discussing something or other. Tom couldn't quite make it out trough the ringing in his ears. His eyes found their way to the leg that Bill had pulled close to his body. He quickly rose his glass to his lips.   
They had blamed him endlessly, even if they never said it out loud. He had always been the more experienced one, promiscuous even. More likely to say things they didn't want to hear. But when... Tom had never complained, he had stood still while his mother tried to reason with him, nodded while David explained what horrors would happen if the press ever found out, clenched his teeth trough his father's semi-desperate, half shouted phone calls. Even now he knew that he would do it all again if it meant that he could keep them from Bill. To them it had been a quiet admission of guilt on his side.  
He had subconsciously turned to Bill and was now looking at the empty glass he was balancing on his right knee. He felt the same warmth spreading somewhere low in his abdomen that he had felt ten years earlier and ever since. He  longed to bury his face between his brother's legs, to kiss his way into his jeans, to feel him in his throat. He closed his eyes for a second and tried to get rid of the fantasy. When he opened them again, he looked directly into Bill's. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some extra time to write this weekend and decided to post the second chapter. Let me know if you liked it. <3


	3. III.

III. 

Bill had turned back to the TV. Tom was left staring at his profile. His muscles tingled, but felt entirely too heavy to move. He relished in the weight of his body, it felt as if he was fast asleep, his mind finally mercifully quiet. His eyes moved slowly along the lines of Bills features, over and over again. They filled him up with every one of the slow and deep breaths he took.  
Somewhere trough the foggy pressure in his head he could hear the womans voice, she sounded annoyed. His eyes darted to her face and with that distraction cold blood started to pulsate through his veins, moving the muscles underneath his skin with chills. With a sudden surge of clarity he was finally able to take in th details of what was happening on tv. The building, the attire. It was that show about lawyers that he hadn't wached, but he remembered Bill talking about it distantly. He turned back to his brother, wanted to to say something about it.  
Bill sat there, fully relaxed, his arm stretched over he headrest and his head tilted up just ever so slightly. A slight smile playing with the corners of his mouth. Just Bill, this time, nothing about him hidden or off. Tom's chest sank in with the air that was rapidly leaving his body.  
He had always been protective of his brother. Sometimes it had felt as if Bill didn't understand how much some people disliked his behaviour, how far they would be willing to go because of it. Other times he had been sure that he was doing it to tease him. To mock him about how worried he was.    
It had been his Bill who had ended it all for good, after months of last times that were everything but that. It had been easier. Coming back to each other gave them strenght to go on alone for a while. Tom was fond of these memories. It had felt like he was ripping his heart out over and over again, but it had been better than all that had followed. Once the fighting had stopped eveything else had stopped as well. They had been left with nothing to hold on to. Only Bill pretending that everything was perfectly alright and too many smiles that had left Tom's face cold and sore.  
Bill's glances had a hint of softness to them that hadn't been there just a week or so ago. He moved more deliberately again. Tom had seen it all day, even if the part of him that was scared, the part that that was still hurting, had refused to admit it to itself. Bill had never once kept his head down, had never once taken a step back, always ready to fight an oncoming storm even when he was still standing in midst of ruins. Tom could feel how the realisation kept creeping out of the shadows in his head.  
It made him pull his hands up to his head and bend foreward. His elbows landed on his knee and thigh, then his underarms. It surprised him for a moment until he realized that he had shifted sideways on the sofa, one leg pulled up onto it.  
More and more air kept flowing into his lungs. There was a feeling of dread that came with it, it felt as if his chest cavity was hollow inside, as if there was abyss, as if he himself could fall down into it. He tried to swallow against the firm tightness in his throat. He tensed up against the pain he knew would flare up up at any moment. Much more of it than he could handle. He had managed to keep that feeling from forming into a conscious thought for far longer than he had hoped for. He had tried to save himself from it. Had felt sure that he wouldn't survive it, not this time. The knot in his throat cramped together, even tighter.  
Eventually it became clear that he couldn't hold his breath any longer. He started to exhale, tried to be as careful as possible, afraid of what he could startle. Every single breath afterwards was easier. He just sat there and kept breathing for a moment. Almost unconsciously he had his eyes follow Bill's to the TV. He found a way to form something close to a sentence this time. 'What's going on... ?'  
'Blonde guy's an asshole, she's a bitch, but I kinda feel her and there's a case.' Bill said matter-of-factly. 'No idea what that's about, honestly, I wasn't paying much attention.' He looked at Tom with expressionless features that slowly turned into a half-stifled smile. Tom could hear a low chuckle and it took him a moment to understand that it was he, who was chuckling. It made him laugh, about himself, about Bill, who wasn't listening to the one thing that show was supposed to be about, about their fucked-up life together. Bill laughed with him.  
When he looked up, he saw glowing skin and delicate features that formed a fond expression. He had seen it before. He had seen it all his life, always present, no matter how inapropriate it had been deemed. He had missed it with every fiber of his being, missed it even now that he could see it. Missed it for all the time he hadn't allowed himself to do so. He felt the pull towards Bill grow stronger, started to feel him as a warmth in his chest, in his once numb fingers.  
For a moment he wanted to get up and leave, because he wasn't supposed to be there. They weren't allowed to be like that. Never before and definitely never again. An old and intimately familiar panic was about to overwhelm him until he felt the soft pressure of fingertips on the back of his fingers.  
Bill moved his hand along the headrest until his fingers settled on his wrist and his hand covered his entirely. Something in Tom's head wanted to recall the last months in warning, wanted to reason with him, make him understand how wrong he was, how gross, but it all felt like it was nothing but a bad dream from a few nights earlier. The more he tried to think about it the more of it got lost in the sunlight.  
There was quiet in his head, all those voices finally gone, leaving him to his own devices. He savoured that feeling while looking down on his legs and the sofa. Bills light blue skinny jeans were just a few centimetres from his sweatpants. Bills tattooed fingers brushed Tom's knee while lying on his own. The vibration of the chills  pulsing trough him got stronger. He must've been visibly shaking by this point. It didn't matter, as close as they were, Bill would know anyways.  
He could feel his brother's eyes on his face and looked up to him as well. It unsettled him for a moment, it made him want to reach for Bill's knee and squeeze his hand for support, but then it reached some place deep inside him and he recognised it for what it was.  
He knew it well, had seen it countless times before. There was definetly nothing to be scared of. His fingers iched with tension to reach up to his brother's face instead. He leaned in closer as they traced his jaw line, followed the line of his smile and then he opened his lips just enough to suck Bill's upper lip into their soft, wet embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm finally done with ch. 3. I hope you'll like it. (fair warning: I'm kinda still editing this fic as I go, so I can get to post a bit quicker, I hope you don't mind terribly.) <3


	4. IV.

IV.

 

Bill's T-Shirt felt soft between his fingers as he moved it over the firm muscles of his back in small circular motions. He was leaning against Bill, foreheads touching, lips slightly parted, while his chest was rhythmically lifted with shallow, even breaths. The sun was still shining in on them. 

Bill's left hand was closed tightly around the grey fabric of his sweatpants on his thighs. The other one was still holding Tom's hand on the armrest of their sofa. Tom felt comfortable in this loose embrace, his thoughts were far gone into the emptiness of his own mind. 

There was a warm and decisive pressure against his knee, somewhere below his brother's hand. He didn't pay any attention to it until he could feel the grip on his sweatpants getting looser and the hand moving downwards. His eyes opened lazily and remained fixed on Bill's dark lashes that threw sheer shadows onto his cheeks. Then, he followed his brother's glance down to the little black snout that was pressing into his knee. 'Well, little one...' Bill's fingers were scratching the back of long sloppy ears and seemed to be much appreciated. Tom could feel how Bill's eyes were looking back up to his face and he mirrored the movement immediately. 

The sparkle in his eyes had grown more intense and made his glance feel even softer. Tom couldn't stop himself from pushing the tip of his nose forward into his brother's nose. Bill smiled. 

'I need to take him outside.' Bill's voice sounded as if he hadn't spoken in days. Quiet and rough. Not much more than a whisper. Tom had lost track of time completely, not just during these last hours, but for the better part of the past weeks. His daily routine had been reduced to fixed appointments and the time in between that seemed to pass without leaving any trace in his memory. 

He spread his hand over his brothers back and pulled him closer. Bill's breath was sweet and fresh with a hint of gin that made Tom want it even more. He pressed their lips together. He could feel the softness of his brother's lips on the tender patches of raw skin that were splitting his own, dry lips. The cool metal of a piercing pushed right into one of them, to the point that it hurt when Bill's lips opened, dragging it along with them. He let the pain wash over him. He moved his other hand up to Bill's shoulder and then neck. The skin beneath it was thin and velvety. 

Two sharp barks and a paw crushing into his thigh brought him back to reality. He waited until Bill started to pull back from him, he was not going to be the one to move away from all that,first. Bill's cheeks were flushed on his otherwise pale face, his breath was slow but laboured. He wasn't looking at Tom, who took the opportunity to look at him, instead. God, he had missed that face. 

Down by his knee there was a pair of beady eyes looking at the two them. He could hear how a sigh escaped Bill's now deeply coloured lips. His hand pressed into Tom's tight before letting go entirely, it left him feeling cold where it had been. He had to stop himself from pulling it back to where it had been.

Bill's eyes were almost black as he looked at him now, cold, somewhat aggressive. Tom recognised the longing in them and knew that his must've looked the same. His teeth were digging into his lips where he was biting them, his face had distorted into a pained disgusted frown, that turned into a more relaxed look of adoration and resignation as his eyes fell to the puppy on the floor. He picked it up and walked around the coffee table with it, all while peppering it's ears with tiny kisses. 

Sitting there alone again was almost enough for the most recent events to reach a conscious part of Tom's mind. They were creeping up as if they were a shape slowly forming in his peripheral vision. He was still staring at the empty sofa cushion in front of him as he realised that he couldn't hear Bill's steps anymore. 

'Tom?' Bill sounded tentative, as if he didn't quite know what kind of answer to expect. Tom looked up. He stood in the middle of the living room, dog still in his arms. He was still breathing more heavily than usual, eyes wide awake and shining. His lips still pursed, the corner of his mouth tense. 

Tom knew that expression. He was so certain of it that he had no reason to check. His glance moved down to the zip of Bill's skinny jeans, regardless. They seemed to be just a bit tighter than earlier that afternoon. His eyes remained fixed on that  landscape of folds and creases on blue jeans, while his tongue caressed the corner of his mouth. 

'Are you coming?' Bill's voice sounded high and he said it between two short breaths. Tom got up immediately. 'Are you sure you want to go now?' He didn't want him to, nor did he feel like he would've survived a walk in the park. Bill looked down to the puppy in his arms and seemed uncertain, his hand caressed the little head and his breathing became inaudible for a moment, as he pressed his lips together. Tom moved forward, with nothing left but his instinct and muscle memory he had hoped to have forgotten. It seemed to have stuck to him just fine. 

'We can leave in fifteen minutes'. Bill, who was still looking at his dog, nodded ever so slightly to himself. Tom could feel a layer of tension leaving his body while he stood there, with his hands tightly wrapped around his brother's upper arms. Their eyes met. Bill's had gotten even darker and there was an air of contentment in them. Beneath that he could see a hint of suspicion and alertness. Tom understood it without question. He didn't like seeing it there. One of his hand's grip loosened and it moved up to Bill's jaw. 'I'll go with you, later.'

Bill nodded again. He smiled. It was a contained smile, his lips still pressed together. It was unbelievably sexy. Tom could feel himself smiling back at him in turn. 'Do you think you can manage that, little baby?' The dog was looking up at them innocently, possibly a little bit irritated by all that proximity and yet so few head scratches. Tom took the puppy gently out of Bill's arms and pressed his cheek to its head, before putting it down on the floor.  

He stood up to face Bill again. For a moment neither of them moved, paralysed by the gleaming beams of sunlight that lit up every inch of the room. Bill's eyes moved to the staircase leading to the flat's second floor, but Tom had already taken his hand to lead him to his own room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally up! It's all still in need of thorough editing and I promise that I will do it at some point (when I habe the time)😅 In the mean time I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Feel free to share your opinions in the comments! 😘


	5. V.

V.

 

 

They didn't make it to his room. Bill had wrapped his arms around him as soon as they had gotten into the corridor and he had ended up pushing him into the nearest wall. They stood there now, legs intertwined, chests pressed together. Tom pressed his face into the curve of Bill's neck, he was greeted by an unusual smell. He recognized the cologne, just not on Bill. Underneath that he could make out a scent that was more recognisable. Entirely too familiar. He dragged his tongue over his neck. The taste was the same. He let his lips wander upward to Bill's jaw and bit down. Hard. A faint moan escaped Bill's lips.  
He pressed his hips into Bill's jeans with more insistence. Another moan. He withdrew his hips. This time he could hear himself hiss at the sudden cold and the distance between them. His hands dragged over Bill's sides and lower abdomen until they reached the button of his jeans. He got them open in seconds and pushed them down his thighs.  
Bill moved his own shirt up his chest in one seductive movement. It was tight enough to stay up on its own, right over one nipple, caught on the piercing of the other one. Most of his chest was uncovered and Tom let his hands ghost over the palm-tree in front of him. Then he sucked the exposed piercing into his mouth. Bill's breath hitched and he stood up on his tiptoes to give him easier access. He immediately pushed his own pants and underwear down where they pooled around his ankles and wrapped one hand around Bill's dick, while he used the other to get his boxer briefs out of the way.  
He stroked them both with quick movements. His brothers arms were wrapped tightly around his shoulders and his parted lips lay on his cheek over a damp spot they had created. Their hearts were beating together where their chests touched. It was a single dull and fast rhythm. Tom moved one hand to the wall to steady himself and Bill's hand joined his other hand immediately. It lay half on top of it and half on both their lengths as they picked up the speed.  
He could feel their orgasms building up and while he would have loved for this to last forever, or at the very least for the rest of his life, it was not the time and definetly not the place for it. Their lips met each other in the beginnings of a kiss that ended up as wet breaths between open mouths. He pushed Bill further into the wall as he came, his brother followed right after.  
They tried to catch their breath, slouched against the wall together. After a while the wetness on their bellies started to feel cold. Tom stepped back and noticed that his T-Shirt was wet too. He took it off to clean himself up and gave it to Bill right after. He must've looked somewhat ridiculous as he stood there, completely naked were it not for his pants around his ankles. Bill didn't seem to think so, he was looking at him while his hands moved the shirt over his belly and chest, blindly.  
Tom pulled his pants up, somehow remembering that they had somewhere to be. 'I...' He gestured vaguely at his chest. 'I'm going to get a shirt.' Bill nodded and started to pull his pants back up with one hand and walked past Tom into the bathroom.  
Tom took both T-Shirts out of his backpack. He hadn't planned for this. The times when the promise of a night to spend alone together made him pack extra underwear were long over. The last time they spend a whole night in a bed, mostly on top of each other, occasionally snoozing for half an hour or so, had been on a holiday a few years back. He remembered the light of the rising sun in their bedroom as Bill's caressing hands on his back had woken him up one last time to enjoy another hour between his legs.  
He peeled the two T-Shirts apart and took one of them into the adjacent bathroom. It was as empty as his room, no personal objects of any kind, there weren't even towels on the rack. He found them under the sink, however, and that the soap dispenser had been filled.  
He walked out of his room again, dressed in a white T-Shirt that he had meant to wear to bed. Bill was putting his shoes on, leash in hand. His dog was waiting impatiently at the door.  
They chose the usual path for their walk, it wasn't long, but enough to keep the dogs happy for the night. He regretted not bringing his own dog, he had missed their walks together and was longing for this to feel as normal as possible. There was a strange energy between them. It connected them again, close as they had been before, but it hadn't quite settled yet. His whole body tingled with it and left him feeling all together uncomfortable and yet surprisingly well. He had forgotten that he was able to feel this happy.  
Bill was right by him, his long, glorious legs moving leisurely along the path between the trees. 'Do you want to pick up some food before we go home' Bill fidgeted with the leash. They weren't big fans of cooking and there was no way that they would call for a delivery later. Bill's expression told him that he was inclined to forgo dinner entirely. He didn't feel hungry either and didn't care much about eating at the moment, but he wasn't going to accept that his brother didn't eat, at least not without having been given the chance. 'I'll pick something up at Sato's, you don't have to wait for me.' Bill didn't look too happy, but he seemed to agree. 'Sato's is fast anyways, I'll wait.'  
Tom remembered the restaurant from the couple of times he had stopped by personally, instead of just asking their assistant to get them something. It was still tiny and had the same four bar stools and narrow table at one wall. Most customers took their food home. For them, it certainly wasn't their all time favourite, but practical and definitely fast, since they kept most of their food almost ready to go.  
Tom tried to make sense of the words on the blackboard above his head. It displayed all dishes and options. He didn't really feel like reading it all and kept forgetting the exact combinations of ingredients anyways, so he picked the food out by simply pointing at it.  
Bill stood outside the restaurant, he could see him through the glass door. The puppy at his feet was nosing around on the sidewalk, without getting much attention from his owner. He had a cigarette in his hand that he brought to his lips every now and then, his glance seemed lost in the distance.  
Tom had chosen without giving it much thought and when he got his bag with five different containers he realised that he had gone a bit overboard. It occurred to him that they might have shared their portions last time. It didn't matter. He handed over his card and fidgeted with his wallet until he could put it back in and leave with their food.  
Bill opened the door again this time, he stood so close to him that he could hear the lock click open. 


	6. VI.

VI.

 

He walked into the kitchen only to throw the plastic bag onto a chair, it wouldn’t mind the condensation leaking on it as much as the sofa upholstery. Looking at the water droplets, that made the bag look transparent where they run down on its inside, made him aware of the wetness on his hands. He dragged them over his shirt to dry them, but they stayed damp. Same for his neck and the lower part of his back. His brain was slowly going back to full operating speed. The alcohol was leaving his system. An hour before he would’ve had described himself as pretty sober, looking back at it now it was all a bit of a blur. He felt gross and sticky and a little bit disoriented by the buzz in his ears. It wasn’t great, but he had come to know much worse over the years. 

Bill stood in the ample space between their coffee table and their TV set. He shook his head ever so slightly. He had had less to drink, but was also lighter than Tom and generally less used, tough never opposed, to daytime drinking. ‘How is it?’ Tom walked towards him with a little shy smile. Bill nodded gracefully. ‘Coming out of it.’ He mirrored Tom’s smile and they just stood there, half an arm length apart, silent until Tom reached for his brother's hand. Their fingers intertwined like that had done many times before. Bill’s hand was dry and warm in his, it was a blessing to feel him on his skin like that, with everything else feeling clammy and sore. 

Bill squeezed his hand and pulled it closer to his leg, thereby pulling Tom along with it. When he seems sufficiently happy with the increase in closeness he stuck out a hand and started to caress the line of Tom’s lips, right where they vanished into his beard. He was tender and involved as his eyes followed his own finger intently. He would kiss him again, that was clear. They had recovered that level of intimacy almost immediately, where they knew with certainty that they would be close again soon. 

Somewhere inside him he knew that it might only be for that night. A slip, one of many in their history together. Somewhere else inside him he knew that what they had was forever, regardless of how they would go on the next day. Maybe he would go back to that place on the other end of the city that had taken up all of his energy to start to feel lukewarm and mostly shadowless. Never what he wanted, just enough to inspire hope, not enough to deliver. Turns out hope can only stretch ever so thinly. 

‘It never stopped for me.’ Tom was about to tell him that he knew that it had, he had been there, after all, when they had decided that it was time for them to stop. Bill had seemed dead serious back then. ‘I thought it would, you know.’ Bill’s hand withdrew with a fleeting caress on his cheekbone. ‘I thought that I could go out there and find it in someone, who wasn’t you.’ That had been the whole point. 

‘And you found someone, more than once.’ He knew that for a fact. Bill hadn’t been with any of them long and none of them seemed to be the one, but that wasn’t surprising. Bill wanted someone he could love, that one person that was perfect for him and the people he had dated certainly weren’t it. Tom believed that he would find them, eventually, and when he did his affections would be reciprocated. No one sane would refuse to have Bill in their lives. For Tom it was different, he was a good lay and liked that in his partners, he had come to appreciate a certain level of solidarity and companionship, but he had never fallen in love. He had just accepted that as his way.

Bill’s hand was holding him on his hip, right over the elasticated waistband and was pressing into his skin just a little too hard. Tom didn’t like to see him that riled up, he leaned forward to gently kiss his lips, to kiss it better, to make it all good gain. Bill’s drew him closer and kissed him more fiercely. It was hot and too wet and desperate and every fibre of his being wanted to feel his brother that way. It was Bill who broke their kiss. He was still close, just a breath’s distance away. His eyes where dark and raw and made Tom’s stomach turn like his favourite ride at the fair used to do. He had truly enjoyed those times, they both had, fairs being one their most loved places when growing up. They would spend whole days there, holding onto foamy iron seat belts, shoulders and tights pressed together. Then again, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh had been his entire childhood and youth together with Bill. In a way he had been lucky, destiny had given them a shot at a, cruelly short, lifetime spend together. 

Bill was moving his hands all over his chest as if to examine it muscle by muscle and seemed to wait for Tom to come back from his musings. By that time he was half hard again already. He put both hands on Bill’s butt and pressed him closer to his loins, there was a firm pressure where Bill’s dick encountered his own.  He could feel hunger flare up in him. It was the kind of emptiness that made him long for a cigarette while he was already smoking, or another glass of whiskey when he was already drunk. He had felt it before. Sometimes there had been no place of retreat available, no changing room or private bedroom that could hide them for a while. Sometimes there had been no time or possible excuse to get away from their busy schedule. Sometimes he had gotten lost in his need for his brother that to him exasperatedly hot with no possibility of release. It was like that again.

He wanted to feel more of him, all of it and faster. He wanted Bill to take him now, on the rug they were standing on, his face pressed into it's white cotton loops, until it was drenched in sweat and spit and semen and he was sure that he couldn't stand up for the next few hours. Tom's fingers dug deeper into the relenting flesh beneath them. 'Just-' His voice sounded strained, breathless even in his own ears. 'No.' Bill's decision had already been taken. Tom could hear himself whine, quietly and annoyedly. He kept his eyes pressed shut. The light in the room had gotten down quite a bit, but it was suddenly too much for his overstrained senses. Bill's hands were patiently brushing in circles over his back, just like his had on his brother back before. He let out another whine, this time it came out more as a sigh. It annoyed him endlessly that Bill was holding back, especially now he needed it so desperately. He opened his eyes and looked into an expression that was exactly what he had expected to find. Loving, sweet and more than a hint of not-taking-any-of-your-bullshit. It was so Bill that it made him smile like he hadn't in a long time. 'Fine, I'll go take a shower and I'll be back to have dinner' It would help calm him down a little. Also, a shower was long overdue anyways. He took another deep breath, breathing in more of that stunning smell that was now surrounding him, and disengaged himself from Bill's arms. They had almost completely separated again when he sensed slender finger making their way between his. 'Great!' Bill had taken his hand quite naturally, in a way that they definitely weren't entitled to and led him up the staircase on the other end of the room.

His brother's room was the opposite of his own. It was better heated, and fully lived in. The duvet on his bed had been hastily pulled over the mattress, a t-shirt had been thrown on it, another small pile of fabric had been thrown, or more likely fallen, to the floor and his pillow still featured a dent where his head had lain all night. The closet was half open and there was an array of objects shattered on top of the dresser. It appeared jolly and carefree. It was the first room that had felt truly like home. 

The en-suite bathroom showed the same signs of Bill presence. His favourite products by the sink, an elegant bathrobe on the wall and a pile of jewellery on the windowsill. Bill's hands slid under his T-Shirt to lift it up while he urged him gently towards the shower. The shirt was thrown into the corner and Tom slipped out of his own pants and underwear. He kept his eyes fixed on Bill who was bare chested and fumbling with the zip of jeans. He could feel the blood rise to his cheeks and marvelled about his own ability to still react this way, and yet knowing fully well that Bill would always do it for him.

The shower heated up pretty quickly and Tom was thankful for the enormous, fixed shower head over them that kept their hands free and their bodies warm. His hair was drenched in seconds and he took hair tie out to let it get it properly wet. He hadn't planned on washing his hair earlier, but right now it didn't matter, he just wanted to enjoy the warm water together with Bill. They kissed for a while. It was more delicate this time, they savoured the sensations and let their hands caress each other gently and leisurely. He had missed it. He had missed it so much that he had to stop himself from rushing it, again. He let his fingers wander along the lines of the tattoos on Bill's side and chest, that had gotten all blurry from the thin rivulets running over them. Bill's lips were caressing his ear and the tips of his fingers were gently brushing through his scalp. 'Do you want me to wash it.’ Tom hummed appreciatively. It was an offer that had been extended seldom enough between them, even when things where good. And yet. 'Absolutely not, no time’ Bill chuckled with him and let his hands sink to his shoulders. He placed more kisses right underneath his ear.

Next to Tom on a shelf stood several dark green bottles. He knew the brand, had used it himself at some point.He reached for it from where he stood and pushed down on it cap, twice. He pulled it back and started to lather the gel between his hands and spread the resulting foam onto his brother's tan skin. Bill's neck and shoulders had gotten larger over the years, but they still felt delicate compared to his own. He let his hands wander over his back and buttocks, over his hips to his arms. Bill warranted his attentions with little sighs. He was left a little bewildered when he suddenly felt his brother move back and away from his hands. When he looked up to get an explanation Bill had already moved behind him and placed a hand at Tom's hips. He heard a squeak behind him. A hand massaged his back, then a second. They spread the gel evenly onto the skin of his back and his arms, then they moved forward to his chest. Bill's breath ghosted over his neck and his fingers over the dip where his hips merged into his legs. Tom let his head fall back to his brothers shoulder and shoved their cheeks together deliberately. The hands between his legs moved closer and, eventually, onto his length. He waited patiently for the first stroke and then for some more before he showed the hands away and turned around. 'Let's go lie down.' He wasn't going to do this standing up again. Not when there was time and a perfectly comfortable bed next door. 'We better finish up,then.' Bill got another bit of soap on his hands and moved them over their bodies, more quickly and purposefully this time, only slowing down to concentrate on spots where his attentions made Tom's breath hitch. 

He tried to wring as much water out of his hair as possible while he walked back into the bedroom. After two more determined squeezes and a thorough rub over his beard he tossed the towel down on to the floor. He threw back the duvet and sat down on the bed, legs crossed, waiting patiently. Bill followed shortly after. He had wrapped his towel around his waist and held it together loosely in the front. He smiled down on him. Tom smiled back and pulled Bill's tattooed hand away from the towel and towards himself. It fell down as Bill crawled onto the bed towards him. He pulled him down on top of him and wrapped his arms around his brother’s slender waist. It was good to have him close again, to be allowed to hold him again and to let himself held. 

'You want me to fuck you?' Bill said it as if he was discussing the weather over dinner. That was new. Bill was usually upfront and often dirty, but never that casual about it. It suited him well and Tom definitely like the idea. It wasn’t their usual arrangement, but he was fully down to let Bill take care of him for a while. 'Yes, do that.' He looked up to Bills face above him. Those eyes had to be the most beautiful thing he'd ever see in his life. He pushed his face into the crook of Bill's neck and let his hands wander trough his wet hair. It was surprising how much his brother loved it when he messed up his flawless hairstyles. It must've baffled Natalie more than once, when she was asked to redo work she had only recently finished, because it was all over the place again. There was a pull in his length and a drop in his stomach, both caused by Bill slowly sliding down his body. Tom let his head fall back and loosened his grip of his twins waist to allow him to move further down. Bill placed a kiss on the dip between his pecs, then a second. Somewhere underneath them he could feel their closeness running trough his veins and into his heart. So scolding, it was cold. He couldn’t recognise the blood as his own anymore, maybe it was Bill’s, maybe it had been theirs all along. 

A pair of soft lips closed around his nipple, and sucked gently before he moved to his stomach, then to the hard muscle underneath his belly button. 'Billy...' Tom run his hands trough his wet hair, it had grown since the last time he had done that. 'Babe?' He was kissing the inside of his tights now. He started shaking again. He had wanted to say something, probably around the lines of how much he had missed him or how right it felt to be together again, but he couldn't find the right words. Bill stopped for a moment to loom back up at him. They felt the same. 

The lube hadn't properly warmed up and felt cold inside of him. He was uncomfortably aware of it and yet he welcomed the distraction from the burning heat of Bill's mouth around his dick and all over the rest of his body. It took over again in no time and he let himself get lost in it. His last thoughts revolving around thanking whichever divine entity that had once possessed Bill to get his tongue pierced. When Bill added a second finger he couldn't really make it out in the heat. All he could feel was more pressure, more of that satisfying pull and, eventually, more pleasure. 'There?' Bill made sure to hit that spot again. He couldn't answer, didn't want to loose focus of the pleasure inside of him only to find the words to say something. 'Mh-mh...' There. When they got to the third slender finger he started to push back at it, insistently, but Bill didn’t seem to want to comply to his request. He needed him closer. 'Come up!' He pulled gently at Bill's hair, but his brother didn't seem to feel like rushing it. He gave a last quick and playful lap at his penis before he finally moved back up onto his body.  .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: thank you, guys! Your comments are very kind and thanks to everybody for the kudos, too!  
> I finally got this ch. up it's basically a christmas miracle xD (and i know that i'm leaving you hanging again, but worry not the next ch is already in writing;) 
> 
> I would love to know if y'all liked it. Merry happy holidays and much love.
> 
> (once again a fair warning: Once again I haven't finished the editing quite yet, I will do it asap)


End file.
